Visions of Perfection

     Whisperings. Visions. The yet to be, revealed in dreams of slumber. Inspiration in the most unexpected of places. All of these have bestowed upon me in my life. Sometimes I have brushed them off, for fear of sounding absurd. Other times I have pondered them, tried to analyze them, and discussed them openly with friends and family. I embrace them.  However, sometimes the inspiration seems so dreamlike and distant that we are sure that is all it is. We wait and wait, and NOTHING. We become tired, testy, and let the dream die. A fading memory or wish of what might have been.
     This is a story of an inspiration. Of a strong need to complete something that was so foreign to me, yet needed to be done. I had no idea what would become of it, or why I was compelled to do it. But I listened to the whisperings. I was overcome with a need to finish what I started. So I worked diligently. I didn't stop until it was done.
      It all started when my mother and I were at a store shopping together. We were browsing the card section when I saw it. A black and white card of a little girl. She just pulled me in. It stopped me in my tracks. I had to draw her. I felt compelled to put her down on paper. I had not drawn in years. I had no paper. I had no pencils. But I went and got some.
      When I left my parents' house I had a layover of a couple of hours in Pittsburg. I had purchased the supplies and found myself in a seat, with the world passing me by.  I was pulled in to the photo and to this little girl who I didn't know. She came to life on the paper. Her angelic face and beauty was astonishing. I knew her, yet had never seen her in my life. I felt connected to her on a deep level. This is her. We hung her in our home with a sign above her that says "Abide in Him".

          As I said, this was in 2002. I had not given birth to any children yet. However, I had lost a baby that spring. Was this a sign of the baby I had lost? Was this to tell me that I had lost a daughter?  I had no idea. Yet I didn't feel sad when I looked at her. I felt at peace. An odd peace.

          When I got pregnant with 9, I wondered if this drawing was a sign that I was going to have a girl. We didn't find out the gender as we wanted to be surprised. On July 15, 2003 we welcomed 9 into our lives. We were overjoyed with our son. I was not sad that I had not had the girl in my drawing. I was at peace. An odd peace. 

          When I became pregnant again. I wondered if this baby was the one in the photo. Was this going to be my girl or a baby brother for 9.  On April 6, 2006 we welcomed 6 to our family. I accepted the fact that I was going to be a mother to sons, and I was okay with that. I felt blessed that I had two healthy boys who were growing and thriving. 

           After 6 was born, I had multiple complications from an awful gallbladder surgery. There was a very strong chance that my baby bearing days were over. When the doctor told me this, I was heartbroken. I felt that I wasn't done. I was NOT at peace. It wasn't that I wanted my girl. It was just a very strong urge that I wasn't DONE. Our family was not complete. 

           Part of me felt guilty. Shouldn't I be grateful for what I have? So many women don't get the opportunity to even carry a child and here I was having a pity party for myself. But party I did. I cried, I worried, I wondered why this was happening. I questioned and questioned and questioned. 

            Six months later, when I was done taking blood thinners for blood clots in my legs, we decided that if it was going to happen again then we would give it to God. His plan was what we needed to cling to. Three years later when I became pregnant again, it was a completely different story. There were many doctors appointments to make sure everything was going along in a healthy fashion. I prayed for health. I prayed for this unborn baby. 

             On February 1, 2010 we welcomed 2 into our family and lives. She was absolutely perfect in every way, but it wasn't until this week that I truly saw her for who she is. Who she always was. My whisper, my sign, my vision of perfection at His best. Here is my angel. The one that I saw so long ago. The one I was compelled to draw because I knew her. She was a part of me that had not existed yet on my time table. She is the one who makes our lives complete. The one He told me that I would have all along. 

              So I ask you. What signs have you been given that you have given up on? What things have you been whispered that you have brushed off because they didn't happen on your time table? What dreams have you had that you let die because you thought they were too far fetched? My words to you are simple. Be patient and faithful my friend. Believe. 

--K